Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Top 10 Coolest Movie Character Guys

Okay, this list would more appropriately be titled: "The Top 10 Coolest Movie Character Guys... I Could Think Of This Morning" -- but that lacks a certain punch don't ya think? Ya - so what the hell, it's not like there's anything real riding on this list - like money or an award or anything -- just the knowledge that Celebrity Hot Sauce has dubbed you cool... and that in and of itself is pretty cool. So enough with the preamble and onto the list!

#10 Jules "Pulp Fiction"

Jules Pulp Fiction
Picture: Jules

Yup the bad motherf***** himself is the perfect way to get things started. Sure he's a murdering bastard but he's a murdering bastard who memorizes nasty bible verses to strike fear into his victims before he kills them. Name me one other hit-man with an ounce of his style? Now, what would Jules have to say about the fact that the painfully wimpy movie "Forrest Gump" stole the Best Picture Oscar from "Pulp Fiction"? Well I think it would go something like this: "That is the stupidest g***** f***** thing I've ever heard of -- tell those m********* of the Academy to go f*** themselves"! Well said Jules. Well said indeed.

#9 Indiana Jones "Raiders Of The Lost Ark"

Indiana Jones
Picture: Indiana Jones

Just to be clear, we're only talking about the Indiana Jones from the original film "Raiders Of The Lost Ark". The Indiana Jones of every other film, especially that last dismal mess of a movie is but a shadow of the original guy. This guy faced down a mob of knife wielding maniacs at the bazaar - a scene which culminated with the coolest kill ever as he levels his pistol and dispatches the head swordsman after a peacock-like display of skill. Awesome!

#8 Bobby Dupea "Five Easy Pieces"

Bobby Dupea
Picture: Bobby Dupea "Five Easy Pieces"

This was one of those roles that turned Jack Nicholson into "JACK". I mean, the scene in the diner - where he tries to order a side order of toast with his breakfast - that scene is pure gold! The waitress won't "break the rules", so Bobby tries to use common sense on the woman but in the end orders both his breakfast and a chicken salad sandwich on toast, telling the waitress to bring the sandwich to him without mayonnaise, butter, lettuce, or ...chicken. He tells her to "hold it between your knees!" C'mon - that's funny... and cool.

#7 Darth Vader "Star Wars"

Darth Vader
Picture: Darth Vader

Sure if Darth Vader hasn't become the absolute king of the villains. He's the very epitome of evil. And yet... we all love him. Why? Because he's friggin' cool that's why. The helmet. The red light saber. The killer choke hold. This is one dude who doesn't take sh*t from anybody. Mouth off once - and you're dead. No discussion. Wouldn't we all just love to be like that? Sure we would.

#6 Tony Montana "Scarface"

Picture: Tony Montana

Whether he's watching a buddy get chainsawed to death, hitting on his crime boss' slinky blonde girlfriend, snorting a mountain of cocaine or mowing down everyone with a machine gun - no one acted with more style than Tony Montana. Always in control despite being a completely insane, psychopathic, power mad murdering bastard. One cool customer. Just remember you really don't wanna meet his "little friend".

#5 Jason Bourne "The Bourne Identity"

Jason Bourne
Picture: Jason Bourne

The ice cold efficiency with which Jason Bourne executes every action is a thing to truly be admired. He always knows what to do next. He always knows exactly whats going on all around him. He knows how to kill people a million different ways. He is a master of every weapon, every fighting technique, every... well you get the idea. He's a smart and calculating dude who outwits and outfoxes the smartest law enforcement people on the planet with ease. What did you do today?

#4 Rick "Casablanca"

Rick Casablanca
Picture: Rick Casablanca

Humphrey Bogart was THE MAN. Seriously. His characters were always the very essence of masculinity - but his finest performance by a mile was as the eternal cool Rick in "Casablanca". This is a man who has carved out a nice little deal for himself operating the go to bar in WWII's war torn crossroads of Morocco, a man who has had his heart trampled on by the woman he loves - and yet - he provides the crucial aid to her and her husband to allow them to continue their great work against the Nazi's. Calm, cool, vulnerable yet strong and a true hero. I'm telling ya, he was the man.

#3 John McClane "Die Hard"

John McClane Die Hard
Picture: John McClane

Again - to be clear it's the original version of John McClane that takes the #3 spot in this list. The wise-cracking, heart on his sleeve, tenacious, wily, resourceful, hard bitten bastard who foils Hans Gruber's perfect plan. This guy was a "real" guy despite caught up in events of a grand scope who is scared, and tired, and being very much put upon who somehow manages to muster the courage and energy to do the right thing. In an era where heroes were all "larger than life" John McClane showed that being real was way, waaaaaayyyy cooler.

#2 Luke "Cool Hand Luke"

Cool Hand Luke
Picture: Cool Hand Luke

Paul Newman was one of the all-time greatest actors. No doubt about it. He portrayed some of the coolest guys ever filmed - but the one that best fits here is the great non-conformist rebel Luke of "Cool Hand Luke". From the opening frames of this movie you know this is a guy who just doesn't play by the rules and ain't ever gonna. It opens with a tight shot of Luke sitting drinking calmly from a bottle of whiskey. His thirst slaked for the moment, he slowly rises. He has a pipe-cutter in hand. He feels the heft of it then considers his target - a curbside parking meter. He puts it in place and lazily cuts the top off. As he lowers the tool and sits back onto the curb to drink again we pull back to see the line of headless parking meters along the road behind him (at least this is the way I remember it). Awesome! Was he a vandal? Yup. Was he cool? Abso-friggin'-lutely.

#1 James Bond "Dr. No"

Picture: James Bond

Sean Connery's original James Bond in "Dr. No" was bar none the coolest dude EVER! This man had it all - the ruggedly handsome good looks, the dangerous vibe, the classy style, the way with the ladies, the calm under fire, the guts, the knowledge -- he was the quintessential super spy. All the other Bonds pale terribly by comparison - ranked in the following order from worst to first: Daniel Craig, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan. Only Connery's Bond truly captured the world's attention - and in "Dr. No" he had none of the encumbrances the increasingly silly series foisted on the character. He was just a man who knew how to get the job done and get the job done he did. Not as a brute (like the new guy) not like a goof (like Roger Moore) but as a cool character. Hell, they really should bring Connery back out of retirement to play the "old" Bond or something. He's still cool.
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